The Book of Awful by Romi Moondi

Kindle Price:
$2.99
Available from:
Amazon US Kindle
Amazon Kindle UK
Author's websites:
romimoondi.wordpress.com

Wouldn't it be nice if we all held hands and pooped rainbows? Sure, but until our world becomes a technicolor paradise, what's the REAL way for people to get happy? Avoiding catastrophe.

This parody of the bestselling "The Book of Awesome" outlines one awful scenario after the next, to demonstrate how much worse life could really be. Whether it's a world where you finally meet your evil twin, the cancellation of Facebook, or the discovery of unicorns that forever alters society, you'll feel relieved that you're only READING about it.

For ease of comprehension, the author lends her humble experiences to several topics, and leaves no stone of embarrassment unturned (not even the one where she had head lice as a grown adult).

By the end the reader won't feel "awesome", but overwhelming relief?

Highly probable.

Interview with Romi Moondi  (sort of)

Usually there is an interview and a Bio but Romi is not your usual author so this is not my usual type of interview. Enjoy. :)

Do you really care what university I went to, whether or not I have a fuzzy cat named Snowball (his name is actually Sammy), and how many years I've been writing for?

I will assume you're cooler than that, so the answer of course is no.

What's left then?

Okay I got it:

-I did not shy away from wearing denim-top-to-bottom in high school (there is a direct inverse relationship between how much denim I wore and how few tongues were launched down my throat at school dances...or anywhere in high school at all).

-I'm continually baffled by that Malaysian baby whose father let him smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. That baby had so many fat rolls, and I thought cigs were supposed to be slimming.

-I always hated those insufferable couples who would cuddle and make out on the subway...until I became half of one. But now I'm back to being none of one so I hate them again.

This illustrious biography gives a pretty clear idea of what "The Book of Awful" is like. Let's just say that I couldn't come to grips with how positive and gooey the bestselling "The Book of Awesome" was...and so I wrote a parody.

As for you, potential reader, I guarantee "The Book of Awful" will make you laugh; if it doesn't I will give you my home address, so you can show up at my door and administer a beating.

Hopefully it won't come to the beating option, because I really do think you'll laugh when you read my book. Laughter may seem like a tiny thing, but laughter releases endorphins which are basically like chemical drugs, so my book is like a bag full of drugs for only $2.99.

WHAT A DEAL!

Excerpt 

If You Couldn’t Buy A Body Pillow

I’m a cuddler.

But I’m also an expert at being single. By the way, take any negative-sounding term (single, lazy, cross-eyed) and preface it with "expert." Your confidence will soar. 

So confession time: being alone but needing something “graspable” for sleep has been a sad contradiction in my life. In my teenage years, with not a single boy sampling “milkshakes” in my "yard," what was I to do? I tried my best to cuddle with my standard pillow, but it wasn’t the same as a man (unless it was a replica of a “little person” or wood nymph).

Then a few years back, a revolution was born. 

It was a pillow that could span from head to toe, and a pillow that was available…EVERYWHERE!

Talk about a breakthrough for desperate singles.

For years before the body pillow, lonely hearts had to slip into sex shops under cover of night, searching for the one blow-up doll that would give the song “Two Become One” some personal meaning (and I don’t care what anyone says, but “Two Become One” is the best Spice Girls song and “Always Be There” can suck it).

More recently things became discrete and as close to real as possible, but at what cost? 

It was the "Real Doll," and from the comfort of your home you could order it online (a dirty little Fed-Ex delivery secret). 

The Real Doll boasted the traits of being pliable yet sturdy, with the ability to warm you like an oven (or plug you like a cork in a wine bottle, depending on which gender of “Real Doll” we’re discussing). But at a price tag of thousands of dollars? Hardly a solution for us common folk.  

So with blow-up dolls and Real Dolls as unlikely fixes to the single person’s problem, the hope for having manufactured love was slipping away. 

Then came these precious "body pillows," which made love-simulation worth having again!

You can buy your body pillow at a totally non-judging place like Ikea. If you’re still a little nervous grab a kitchen tool as well, it’ll legitimize your purchase in a flash (just remember that a spatula to some is considered slutty, so stick with something safe like a melon baller). 

Don’t rush out of the store or you’ll get "made." Instead you should savour a one-dollar Ikea breakfast like the rest of ‘em, and trust me you’ll blend right in.

Once your body pillow’s safely at home let the fun begin! Customization options are as broad as your imagination, but if you’re looking for a useful starting point, just remember two important tips:

1: The Internet is jammed with lovely pictures of your Hollywood crushes

2: Photo-quality printing paper is reasonably priced

I will say no more.

So even if you’re destined to be alone, just remember how much worse your dateless predecessors had it. The world is your playground, and a snuggly, simulated lover’s just a G-rated shopping trip away!   








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