Thursday, May 26, 2011

Everybody vs The Ferret by Cristian YoungMiller

Everybody vs The Ferret: 1 (Everybdoy vs The Ferret)Kindle Price:
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In Everybody vs The Ferret: 1, the boy fruitheads elicit the help of a internet obsessed talking ferret to get revenge for a humiliating stunt orchestrated by the girl fruitheads. The dreaded Michael Jackson device is enabled.

Based on characters from the Everybody Masturbates book series, the Everybody vs The Ferret books are written in the style of the animated TV show South Park. In every book, Billy, Jack and their pet ferret battle Candy, Tia and the girls in the cold war being waged over who will rule their school.


Cristian YoungMiller was born in the Bahamas and now lives in Los Angeles. He received his degree in Psychology from Beloit College and has worked as a writer, editor and producer for Disney, Vivendi Universal Games and other companies. Since then he has gone on to publish multiple books on topics ranging for sexual advice to spirituality. His latest works are novels for those that like to laugh and be scared.

What inspired you to write this particular story?

Cristian: Of all of my books, my ‘Everybody Masturbates’ books are my most popular. And since I really loved the characters from the books, I was looking for a way to create new stories based around them. I also liked the idea of addressing other taboo subjects that other books weren’t discussing.

What also inspired the book and series was that there weren’t any books that discussed what it was like for kids growing up in the internet age. In ‘Everybody vs The Ferret’, the ferret represents the internet. And with each book I knew that I would get to humorously address some of the ways life has changed in one short generation.

What is your writing process?

Cristian: ‘Everybody vs The Ferret: 1’ is the first book in a series of 6 books. They will be written on the first week of each month. And the process of writing these books will be unique to any of my other works. I am a big admirer of the animated TV show South Park. And what is most amazing about the show is that it is written, produced and released in 1 week. So to allow me to release new books while I work on much longer novels I have decided to take one week of every month to write a new book in the ‘Everybody vs The Ferret’ series.

Book 1 was based on a television pilot that I had already written. But starting in June I will spend 2 or 3 days writing, 1 day editing, 1 day creating the cover and description and 1 day to release the book. It is an ambitious goal, but hopefully I can accomplish it.

How long does it take you to write your first draft?

Cristian: It took me 2 days to write the first draft of ‘Everybody Masturbates’. It took me 3 days to write the source material for ‘Everybody vs The Ferret:1’ and it took me 2 days to convert the source material for this book to the novelette.

What will readers like about your book?

Cristian: The ‘Everybody vs The Ferret’ series is irreverent and funny. It talks about the taboo subjects that ‘Everybody Masturbates’ and ‘Everybody Has Those Thoughts So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay’ does, and it does it with more humor and insight.


Candy, wearing her army helmet carries a laser pointer and paces back and forth in front of her two troops. Tia is a cool girl of mixed ethnicity who has an Asian pear for a head. She wears a red baby doll dress with pink trim and a tight collar. Molly is a slightly overweight, less attractive girl with a raspberry for a head. And even though she is also 10, she is deep into puberty and her aqua dress with yellow flowers shows it off.

‘Alright girls we are about to embark on the greatest mission of our lives,” Candy begins.

‘Is it spelunking?” Tia asks.

‘No it’s not spelunking. What’s spelunking?” Candy asks distracted.

‘It’s when you explore a cave,” Tia explains.

‘Are we exploring a cave?” Molly asks. “My mom says caves are where boys go to play with dead cats. I’m not allowed to play with dead cats anymore.”

‘No weren’t not going caving,” Candy says.

‘Are we going tobogganing down the Swiss alps on a fresh powder at the crack of dawn?” Tia asks.

‘My mom said that I’m not allowed to go tobogganing anymore,” Molly says. She lowers her head. “It’s because of the dead cats.”

‘No weren’t not going tobogganing,” Candy said a little frustrated.

‘Then this hardly seems like the greatest adventure of our lives.”

‘What? No, we’re gonna take over the school.”

‘Is there base jumping involved?”

‘Are there dead cats?”

‘Ladies there is no base jumping and no dead cats. By the Molly, whaaa?” Candy gives Molly a ‘what is up with the dead cats’ look. “No, this is about the boys. Aren’t you tired of watching them march around the school like they own the place? They’re bumping us and pushing us like we’re nothing; nothing ladies. Don’t you want to make things right. Don’t you want us to have the power, and not a few knuckle dragging cavemen?”

Tia is about to speak but Candy cuts her off. “There’s still no spelunking Tia.”

Tia sits back disappointed.

‘I want to rule the school,” Molly said meekly.

‘As you should. It is our right as the smarter species to be in control and I plan to get it for us. Now, Becky sacrificed a lot to get us this intel.”

Tia leans over to Molly. “Who’s Becky?”

Becky having returned home sits in a corner in her bedroom holding her knees and rocking back and forth. She has a traumatized look on her face. She mutters to herself expressing post traumatic shock.

‘So much professional wrestling. So much farting.”

Molly leans toward Tia. “I think Becky’s the one with the laser pointer.”

Tia gives Molly a questioning look. “That’s Candy. Is there something wrong with you?”

Molly lowers her head again. “I’m thinking about the dead cats.”

Tia leans away and turns back to Candy.

Candy meanwhile is pinching and pulling pictures up on her touch screen monitor.

‘Here what we’ve found to be the source of the boy’s power.”

An image appears on the screen.

‘It’s a box,” Tia points out.

Candy spins around and faces Tia. “Exactly. And the intel says that they keep it here.” Candy faces the monitor. “Computer, enhance.”

The image on the screen spins and expands until the box pixilates and reappears as a picture of a boy’s crotch.

‘It’s a boy’s pants,” Tia clarifies.

‘Exactly, they keep their box in their pants. It’s the perfect hiding spot. Who would think to keep something so valuable in there? It’s diabolical. And from what we gather the box is somewhere between the size of a pimple and little man with a mustache. This is a sketch. Computer enhance.”

On the screen appears a jack-in-the-box wearing a fake mustache.

‘Creepy,’ Tia acknowledges.

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